Last week I received my (autographed!) copy of Jennette Fulda/Pasta Queen’s brand spanking new book, Half Assed: A Weight Loss Memoir. I have only been reading Jennette’s blog for a month or so, but I was so charmed by her sense of humor and her incredible journey that it only took me a couple days to read through her ENTIRE archives. It was a very tasty, satisfying blog binge, and it made me want more.
Her book was very satisfying on a completely different level, though, because she talks more about her philosophy of life, about the human moments, and about the inevitable childhood history stuff. If I thought she seemed like a cool chick after reading her blog (three parts humor, one part nerd), that impression was only deepened by the time I finished her book. I’m most drawn to her level-headed take on the world, and to her particular brand of fitness, which started with what was possible (a slow treadmill walk in the privacy of her home) and built up as she gained strength and confidence (marathon training outdoors in the cold rain!).That is the kind of approach I want to have: do what is possible, every day.
Since her story has been inspiring to me, I’ve been following the Blog Tour, where Jennette hopscotches around the web for interviews and other fun stuff. I was surprised to read the comments on Big Fat Deal’s interview, which started with basic Fat Acceptance and Health At Every Size stuff I had gleaned from PQ’s book & blog and other sources, and branched off into issues and anger that really made me think critically about how I approach health and bodysize.
The reason I started this blog was to write about the experience of incorporating a healthy lifestyle with my getting-stronger-every-day self esteem, which used to act like an invisible black hole, sucking the energy out of me on previous weight loss or fitness attempts. Without loving myself, I wasn’t able to find a balance between exercise, good nutrition, and good mental health.
Jennette said something in the Big Fat Deal interview that really resonated with me: “Self-acceptance isn’t the same thing as self satisfaction.” Meaning, if I love myself, that doesn’t mean that I have to be content with how my heart struggles as I lug around 90-plus pounds of extra fat. The opposite of PQ’s statement is also true: self satisfaction (lower weight, for instance) isn’t the same thing as self-acceptance. If this were true, no skinny person would ever have low self-esteem, right? It’s important not to take external indicators (weight, clothing sizes) as a proxy for truly feeling good in your own mind, even if they temporarily make you feel good. There is not a single tiny sundress in the universe that could negate that feeling of worthlessness that can steal over me in darker moments.
I think it’s these feelings that make me identify with the Health At Every Size movement, in some respects. But frankly, some of the comments to that original BFD interview were startling for their vehement rejections of Jennette’s views. For example, in discussing how she was shunned from a Fat Acceptance forum for trying to lose weight, Jennette made a comparison to hair color: “If I didn’t like being a brunette, no one would give me shit about dying my hair blonde.” For this statement, many BFD commenters took her to task for refusing to acknowledge the mechanisms of privilege that favor thinness in society and cast fatness as a moral hazard. (On the contrary, through her writing I think I would say she’s acutely aware of how privilege can work for or against a person.) However, there was also a lot of comments where I was uncomfortable with how her weight loss was seen as a silent (or not so very silent) rebuke to the Fat Acceptance community. Or at least certain commenters seemed to take it that way — that her positive message was entirely tied up with weight loss rather than fitness and self acceptance.
Maybe I want to defend Jennette (though she does an admirable job by herself!) because I’m still working out my own ideas of how to reconcile the goals of fitness and weight loss. Maybe I have been sheltered from the kind of “diets” that people rebel against, the ones based on temporary starvation or restriction — maybe I really was brainwashed by all those health classes about exercise and eating good food (even if I was maybe also getting brainwashed by the dairy and meat councils!), because aside from a brief and very sad episode of depression-induced anorexia, I have never attempted to lose weight in an unhealthy way. In an unhappy way, yes, but for the most part I gravitate towards good nutrition, balanced blood sugar, and plain old healthy exercise.
I tend to see healthy eating and exercise as goals unto themselves, though I do still get cranky when I don’t see the scale numbers going down. What if I became truly fit, a running swimming biking climbing walking skating leaping wondergirl, but I was still “fat”? That is the real challenge. That is where self acceptance really has to kick in, to override all those negative societal messages about “acceptable” body size.
I really don’t believe in weight loss for weight loss’s sake — I do believe in the endorphin high of holding a plank, or training to do full push-ups, or feeling my legs wobble deliciously after a long and vigorous walk. I believe in good food, and in learning not to use food as a way to regulate my emotions. I believe in gardening, and walking around the neighborhood, and stretching my mind to imagine a world in which I feel fabulous.
Is it wrong that I also think all these things will result in a smaller self? I’d be lying if I said I didn’t care about that part, because I do, deeply so. But I will get there with my self-esteem intact, and I’m not going to wait for some mythical number on the scale to magically grant me that feeling of happiness and satisfaction.
5 responses so far ↓
Michelle // May 15, 2008 at 4:58 pm
“I have never attempted to lose weight in an unhealthy way. In an unhappy way, yes…”.
Haven’t we all suffered in the goal of weight loss? And it’s so unnecessary. If we could all have it be about health, fitness, activity and fun, which is so can, right?! I could relate to so much of what you said.
Zilly // May 15, 2008 at 5:05 pm
I came here from the interview post and I would say that you’re going about it exactly the right way. :)
You have to understand that most of us “rebels” are only upset because she is advertising weight loss somewhat. If she’d focussed on improving her health, getting stronger etc., without mentioning the number on the scale, we’d have been cheering her on. It’s completely okay to lose weight as a side effect of a healthy lifestyle, but weight loss itself should not be the primary goal. Putting emphasis on it will only result in making everyone feel bad who’s already leading a healthy lifestyle and still fat. That’s understandable, isn’t it? And the FA movement is full of people like that. Or the occasional freak like me, who happens to be thin and leading an unhealthy lifestyle, desperately trying to change that. ;) It’s the ever-present connection between health and weight that we are unhappy with.
In fact I have no clue if PQ had to starve herself a little in order to get thin or not - and if it’s not the case, the book really shouldn’t be about weight loss. Following her example will not make most of her readers thin, and yet that’s what they hope is going to happen while they jealously stare at the cover and think, “I want to look like that, too, I’ll buy this book to see how she did it.” That’s what bugs us.
keenlife // May 15, 2008 at 8:03 pm
@ Michelle — you’re so right. There is a bit of suffering in every thing! Though the more I think about it, the more I want to redefine “suffering” in my mind — I tend to think I will DIE A HORRIBLE DEATH or that people will shame me publically if I, say, ride my bike down the street. Not true! No suffering required!
@ Zilly — Thank you for your perspective on this. I am not really well-read on FA/HAES so it is helpful to hear more form someone who is well-versed in the nuances. I guess I’m still a little confused about why mentioning the scale numbers is a bad thing — do people really feel bad if someone else is losing weight? I guess that only makes sense to me if everyone believes that losing weight is “good,” which is certainly not true for everyone. Privilege and advertising aside, I guess I wish it were possible for people to talk about weight loss without this being seen as a judgment on others. In my life, it’s only under the influence of really awful self-esteem that I start thinking that everyone’s actions are a judgment on my life — that person ordering salad must think I’m a cow for ordering a burger, or that person not taking a slice of cake at the work party must think I’m a total pig for eating a whole slice — but of course these thoughts are born from that paranoid self-centered, self-hating mindset I’m trying to escape. As my best self, I try to make decisions I’m happy with, ones that are not driven by fear of others’ thoughts. I don’t know…in the final analysis, I’m not sure that I’ve seen yet an instance where someone (in the non-crazy side of the blogosphere) who’s lost weight through exercise or diet and has then expected everyone else to do the same. Or am I just falling prey to the fallacy of thinking nobody thinks that way just because I don’t think that way? (Aghghgh this is a weird circular logic moment!)
To your last point, having read her stuff pretty obsessively, I don’t think that she’s really preaching about how anyone should do it, which is why I like her writing so much. She’s gone out of her way so many times to not mention her initial diet plan (South Beach) and seems to really not be engaged in the evangelization aspect of being “girl who lost a ton of weight.” Though she *is* asked for advice all the time, of course. I don’t know that she expects her readers to try her method and lose weight. If anything (and maybe this should be part of the discussion of her book), I think part of her extraordinary success came from the fact that she was an extraordinarily blank slate when she started the whole process. That is my impression, anyway. She genuinely didn’t seem to have any information about nutrition and could barely cook; sometimes I view that as her special power, whereas some of us are trying to forcibly forget that awesomely butter-cream-cheese-heavy recipe :)
Dee // May 16, 2008 at 12:57 pm
Keenlife, Thanks for your post. I feel about the situation similar as you. I also have begun to recently read PQ’s blog and I read her book. I didn’t see it as a “diet book” because she didn’t talk about her diet, but mostly her journey and her reasoning as to why she decided to make a change. She wanted to get healthy and being 370+ lbs. was not healthy for her. As you mentioned above, I don’t know why the number on the scale is seen as an issue for the FA/HAES movement. PQ even stated in her book (and in her blog) that it was more about becoming healthy and less about what number was on the scale. By all the BMI and health standards out there, PQ would be listed as “overweight,” but I don’t think she cares about that.
Anyway, from the discussion of BFD, it seems that people have different ideas as to what FA/HAES movement is or should be…I see this around trying to define any “movement” because it is composed of different individuals with differing experiences.
I think it is great that she did what she did and she seems to be happier and has a healthier outlook on life. I have begun to change my relationship with food and work out more. It isn’t necessary that I lose weight, but to be in better health for me and my family (chasing a 3 year old is tough).
Also, PQ doesn’t offer advice. She may be asked constantly for it, but it isn’t like she has the “magic cure.” Over and over she states people need to talk with their physician and also that every person is different.
Some people are comfortable where they are at right now, and that is fine for them. I respect their decision. For me, I am not happy with my body right now. I love me - my personality and who I am as a person, but I want a healthier package, even if that package is still overweight but is able to climb stairs without stopping to catch my breath.
Self-love is a maze « a keen life // June 30, 2008 at 2:13 pm
[...] and completely ignore that voice inside that says I want to lose weight (even though, as I’ve said before, I secretly think that pursuing my Good Girl goals of fitness and good food will lead to weight [...]
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