Fighting perfection and finding peace

So far this week, I have been unmotivated and overtired. And therefore cranky. How come I’m not exercising and eating healthy food? Whine, whine whine. Part of this is that I just got home from a week of work travel and…less than optimal eating. I had a bad case of the traveling blues, because even if I were to exert perfect control, dine on nothing but fresh fruit and salads, and exercise two hours per day, there are still the following issues:

1. Not my bed
2. Airplanes are scary and my feet swell
3. Lots of unfamiliar people
4. New places to get used to

Basically, I am a classic introvert and new stuff is tiring for me. That’s not to say I didn’t have fun in Chicago! That I didn’t learn stuff and meet cool people! But it’s taking me some time to recover, I guess. Though I came right home from the airport and put every single thing in its proper place, it’s like I left my brain scattered between here and Chicago, and it’s only slowly coming back into one piece.

There are a lot of factors that go into having a good day and feeling good about myself (mentally, physically, emotionally), and juggling all of these factors requires a lot of energy. Inspired by a fabulous post on Elastic Waist about an unimaginably perfect day, my perfect day might look like this: Rise near dawn after a refreshing eight hours of sleep, complete a rigorous and reviving workout, take a luxurious shower and do a face mask, weigh in with a perfect 1lb loss, dress in effortlessly stylish clothes laid out the night before, eat a clean and nutritiously filling breakfast, arrive at work with a clean mind and work efficiently all morning, go to afternoon yoga with focus and clarity or afternoon hula with a smile, have an even more productive afternoon of loving my job, listen to affirmations on the commute home, weed and water the garden, cook a nutritious meal with enough for leftovers, meditate and write in my self-esteem workbook, pack a nutritious lunch for the next day, clean the kitchen and go to bed early. All this while paying attention to my spouse, keeping up with friends and email and blogs, watching a few favorite tv shows, all that other stuff.

Yikes. That’s an ambitious day. It’s full of lots of things that interlock with the previous day and set up good things for the following day. I don’t know that it’s actually achievable. But unless the whole thing is in place, then maybe I’m not doing enough, and it won’t all add up to self-esteem and self acceptance, not to mention weight loss and good nutrition. Everything must! be! perfect!

So yesterday, after being thrown out of my routines for a week and coming home to all this angsty trantrum crap, I realized that all I needed to do was focus. Maybe just on one thing. I can’t change the past, I can’t get rid of that 3 pound travel gain, and I can’t have a completely perfect day.

Tonight, sitting underneath a quilt on the couch (it is still a blessedly cool Spring here in Portland) I am happier and more peaceful than I’ve felt in several weeks. A few good things collided accidentally today: yoga, work productivity, gardening. My plans are not quite in place, but I have my peace of mind back. I’m out of that little hole of confusion and grumpiness that held me captive for a while. It feels really, really good, and it does more for my self-esteem than any external thing.