Happy 2009!

I took an unexpected vacation from this blog for most of December — isn’t that always the way? I visualized December as one long, beautiful, uninterrupted block of time, like any other month except with more parties, but in fact it was first stalled by more back pain and then by a massive snow storm that paralyzed the city and kept me from work for one week (adding to my already two-week long holiday break). Let’s not forget those parties, special dinners, secret shopping expeditions, etcetera. So — quel suprise! — instead of being a peaceful goals-directed mindful thinking month, it was a zany madcap snowblitz punctuated with long manic afternoons of cabin fever, brief periods of lying on my back with heating pads and ice packs, and the occasional interlude of gratitude for simple blessings, like power and water and stable jobs and family. Merry Christmas!

Without being able to shop for untold pounds of butter and sugar during Snowpocalypse 2008, I certainly ate fewer holiday cookies, and with the three parties canceled due to impassable roads, I also ate fewer calories in general. But between the chocolates in my stocking and the one batch of cookies I did manage to make with what I could find in the cupboards (Warning! Tasty! Not Healthy Whatsoever!), I still gained some weight, if my pants are any judge. (I haven’t braved the scale yet.)

Meanwhile, I am continuing to cling to the idea that my planned-for pregnancy (which is going to be real any day now!) will magically spur me to action, turning me into a meditating, walking, vegetable-seeking peacepod. I can’t help but feel my life is on hold, though it helps that walking outside (my chosen exercise) was obviated for two weeks by some gnarly piles of snow and ice. But there sure were some non-frigid days at home when I could have chosen to put on my sneakers and take a walk, and instead I curled up with the real estate listings (another recent obsession), my cat, and a good book.

But! I am not here to report only about sloth! I’m also here with some breaking news in Jesseland, which is that hey, I think sugar is bad for me. This might fall in the category of Painfully Obvious (I like ice cream and chocolate!) except I actually did a little scientific experiment on myself to test whether my food cravings are driven by sugar or not. Here’s a little story about my experiment:

Last week I got one of those messages from the universe. No, not those daily inspiration emails (though I get those, too), I mean a real message, the kind of idea that percolates up for no good reason until it kicks you in the butt. The message went like this: SUGAR ADDICTION: Do you have it? I thought about my (non-menstrual) cycles of craving lots of sweets, and wondered if it was all connected to the consumption of sugar. What would happen if I avoided it for a few days? I told my husband not to bring back any surprises from the grocery store, and I was careful to avoid things like sugary peanut butter or strawberry jam. I kind of forgot about it. On New Year’s Eve, when I accidentally drank some Martinelli’s, I was truly shocked when I finished my dinner and suddenly craved chocolate, like a drug. Ah ha! Back at work this week, I was tested again when a giant basket of treats was in the kitchenette — I went over seeking cheese and crackers but I was not once tempted by the pile of Ghirardelli chocolate squares, or the lemon tea cookies. This is very weird behavior for me — not that fatty cheese and empty carbs are some kind of healthy grail, but still, no desire for chocolate? This was confirmation of my experiment: when I avoid sugar, I stop seeking it. Those Ghirardelli chocolates were just another slab of food, no more or less enticing than any other, and I was able to choose something else just because I wanted to. Whoa.

So as revelations go, nothing profound here, just another thing I’m learning about myself. Addiction makes it really really hard to ignore a short-term reward (that chocolate is staring me in the face!) in favor of a long-term goal (health, sanity, nicer pants). By turning off my brain’s default sugar-seeking mode, it is so much easier to make healthy choices, and plan and eat healthy meals. It’s a freeing feeling, even if I know it’s not the solution to everything.

I’m still going to try to write here weekly. I really want to start walking in the mornings again (if my back pain stays dormant), and I want to eat more vegetables, and shop smartly, and stretch my muscles and try Buddhist meditation and whole lot of other stuff. It’s encouraging to start the new year, if not with a host of resolutions, at least a lot of things I’m excited about. Happy new year, friends.