a keen life

It’s hard to do anything in life when you think that you have only two options:

1. Fail spectacularly in a terrified stupor, or:
2. Hide under the covers.

But that is really how low self-esteem works! The rare middle ground lasts mere moments, and for me was usually like this: Holy cow I am flying so high and I feel really good oh shit this can’t be real wow the ground is approaching real fast. [Splat.]

I read a great article today in the NY Times, “Can you become a creature of new habits?” (May 4, 2008) that made me think about this stuff. Dawna Markova and M.J. Ryan posit that there are three states of existence that we move through when seeking change: a zone of comfort, stretch or stress.

Comfort is the realm of existing habit. Stress occurs when a challenge is so far beyond current experience as to be overwhelming. It’s that stretch zone in the middle — activities that feel a bit awkward and unfamiliar — where true change occurs.

Fearful thinking (fat thinking) makes me think there is only Safe and on the other side, Scary. There’s no such thing as Stretch in between! Because sticking around in that “awkward and unfamiliar” state takes guts. Elsewhere in the article, Markova says, “You cannot have innovation unless you are willing and able to move through the unknown and go from curiosity to wonder.”

And that curiosity, for me, requires a bit of self-love. Otherwise, my curiosity turns harsh and all I can see is a myriad of awful, damning faults. I have to be curious and gentle, and I have to be willing to let that curiosity morph into wonder and excitement. That’s the feeling I had when I rode a bicycle last week for the first time in over a decade. That’s the feeling I have when I go walking somewhere new and I find beautiful places and can feel my legs moving strongly beneath me. That’s the feeling I want to feel more and more. It’s nice to know, from the researchers profiled in this article, that this feeling will help me become more aware of the world and change ingrained habits.

I’m making some changes in my life. Here is my blog where I want to blab on and on about it!

I want to start this blog by cataloging everything that I think is wrong with me — but that’s part of the problem. I want to start with numbers and metrics and Iron Clad Plans, but that’s part of the problem, too. I do want to talk about all of this, though, and that is a big change, and perhaps the best place to start.

Okay, but I do have to talk about what I want to change, right? Here goes: I don’t want to be overweight. If you want to get technical about it, the BMI scale places me squarely in the obese range. I am 5′5″ and 213 pounds, and I barely fit into size 18 pants and XL tops. I have always been The Fat Girl, in my mind. It’s true what they say, that fat is a state of mind, because it’s not about being fat, it’s about not liking yourself. In 2001, in fact, I hated myself so much that I starved myself to a normal weight. But did I ever like my body? Heck no! I had zero self-esteem, and I was convinced that my wobbly stomach, thick thighs, and lumpy hips were still enormous, exactly as bad as they had always been. In fact, I would say that I disliked my body as much back then as I dislike it today, when I’m carrying over 90 pounds of excess fat. The whole time, I told myself that I would be happy if only I was skinny! Oh the magical life of slimness! It would be full of fun and love and beauty!

So what I want to do is change my way of thinking. I don’t just need to eat more vegetables and get more exercise, I need to affirm my love for myself and a self-image that incorporates active living. My lifelong fat thinking has taught me that as a fat person, I don’t go on walks out of the blue, and I don’t go have fun in a park just to enjoy a beautiful day. But what am I waiting for? What is the point of that waiting? There is not some “You Must Be This Thin To Enjoy This Activity” sign I need to worry about.

I need to start living like I enjoy life today, because I do, and I can, and I will. I can’t hide away and exercise in private until one day I can emerge newly toned and fit and ready to enjoy life! The mentality of hiding away until I’m “ready” is the same mentality that keeps me eating bad foods, or sitting on the couch feeling too dejected to go for a walk. I might not have gained all this weight in some deep dark cave, but I’ve certainly been holding my true self hostage in the dark for a long time. I made myself feel bad for wanting life, for enjoying life, because I didn’t deserve any of that if I was so fat.

Hiding in the quiet, too fearful to face my own self in the mirror or even the thoughts in my head? That is the mentality that allowed me to gain weight while pretending it didn’t matter, or it would be fixed later, or it was unfixable entirely. Part of my journey to a healthier life will be learning it is okay to be out in the real world, being every inch my glorious human self. I have to remind myself that I deserve good things, I deserve love and health and fun because I am putting good energy out into the universe, damnit! For so long I thought I was permanently in debt for every extra ounce I carried on my body, that no matter how good I was, it could never make up for my fatness. Now I’m learning that I have to take care of myself now, and love myself now, or that Future Beautiful Self will never emerge. My Beautiful Self is who I am now.

Anyway. That’s what I’m doing here. I want to write about making a beautiful life, loving myself through movement and good food.