The dreaded food boredom strikes!

Michelle totally nailed it with her recent apprisal of how a fall off the wagon works. I think for the last week I’ve been coasting, pretending my weight will maintain despite my questionable food choices.

My biggest obstacle in any plan is boredom. When I started relying on my recent food routine (granola bars, yogurts, salads for lunch, protein + veggies for dinner), I knew I was running the risk of boredom. And guess what, it’s happened!

I’ve developed a severe fear of salads. This is boredom of routines, but it was also triggered by one especially bad salad. I tried to eat my regular lunch salad one day last week (when I had eaten more for breakfast than normal on a weekday) and it was just utterly disgusting to me. The baby spinach, the fruit, I had to stop myself from gagging, and threw it out after barely four bites. What is that all about? I wonder if it was simply my body trying to tell me that I wasn’t hungry — even though it was a VERY different signal from regular fullness. It really did feel like I was getting seasick from boredom as I ate. Blech.

I spent some quality time in my kitchen this weekend, cleaning and organizing after a couple weeks of chaos, but I still feel like I’m feuding with my kitchen. I make plans to hang out there, cook some tasty healthy food, and then I just don’t show up. Sometimes I feel like I’m just fighting with the dishwasher, which is old and awkwardly placed, so that leaving it open blocks the door to the backyard garden. Sometimes my husband and I have avoided it for weeks, me because I can’t stand the thought of dealing with its awkwardness, and he probably because he didn’t notice! Ha. So the dishes pile up, gradually crowd the counters, and eventually any attempt to cook means committing to at least 15 minutes of cleanup before there’s room to prep.

But the consequences of food boredom and kitchen-avoidance are severe. For instance, I’ve been wasting food because I buy things and don’t use them in time before they go bad. This causes tremendous guilt in that part of my brain that wants to feel good and healthy, but also in the hoarding, penny-pinching part of me that goes nuts at wasted food (both a blessing and a curse, as in everyone’s least favorite fat girl habit, the clean plate club, so clever at six years old and so useless in adulthood!)

So I continue to plan wonderful quiches, salads, grilled chicken breasts, and I continue to avoid making them. And recent meals have started to look suspicious. Last week we ate country bacon (ham) on toast with homemade jam and farmer’s market fontina cheese, with a side of steamed farmer’s market potatoes with butter. It was wonderful! It was also fatty protein, sugar, dairy, carbs and fat. Another time I simply ate sardines (everyone’s favorite superfood!) on crackers, which is okay but makes me feel like a 1920s bachelor living in a rundown hotel, for some reason. Meanwhile, I have peaches slowly turning to mush in the fridge, as well as a massive box of blueberries. Why are they going bad? Because they are destined to become peach cobbler and blueberry crumb bars, both desserts I clearly need to avoid.

I’ve been bad at feeding myself, but very good at feeding the compost heap lately with rotting fruit and vegetables, and I’ve also been good at killing plants which I had helpfully purchased in the hopes of getting yummy healthy results. So far I’ve killed off several eggplant plants (maybe they’re just not suited to the climate), a large basil plant (why transplant when I can just water its dying little pot?), an artichoke (screw it, no room), and other various things. Oh dear oh dear.

The end result is that I’m not eating healthy foods, but I’m not exactly going whole hog (yummy) with some of the bad choices I’ve lined up in the fridge. None of these foods are exactly the wholesome salads with protein that I was consuming a couple weeks ago in a mindless, blissful, healthy daze. I need to get back my smug Yoga attitude again! (This makes me feel a little bit Bridget Jones, though. Inner poise, body is temple, yes yes, bring on the Cadbury.)

My solution over the weekend was to totally give in to one food craving: lasagna. Since the weather was not too hot, I made a batch of homemade meat sauce, complete with eggplant, onion and peppers from the farmer’s market, that simmered for almost two hours on the stove. Then I made it into a lasagna, skipping the ricotta-with-cheese-and-egg-mixture part, so it was pretty much just a giant casserole of sauce, pasta sheets, and cheese. It was incredibly filling, and incredibly yummy. And now that I think about it, it’s not too terribly unhealthy, actually, so I’m starting to feel less guilty about having about five meals’ worth left in the fridge. It’s basically tomatoes and vegetables and sausage meat. The pasta and the cheese content is actually minimal compared to the vast oceans of yummy sauce. (Though the healthy-ish lasagna may be outweighed–literally! haha!–by the small bowl of vanilla ice cream I had afterwards, ice cream which was around because I did make the peach crumble last week and we couldn’t very well have that without vanilla ice cream! This sort of slippery slope logic is so tempting.)

If I’m really going to go with the food cravings, then I need to step up and actually make the blueberry squares this week, too. I might as well. I can only save that giant box of blueberries by cooking most of them, and sending them off (except the few we will eat while they are fresh) with Kirk to impress his workmates once again with my amazing cooking. I’m just going to go ahead and accept the fact that
I’m going to eat some of them. And then they will be out of my house and I can start to make other choices.

If I sound a little bit resigned here, I don’t mean to be. I am not happy with how the scale has crept up a pound from last week, but at least I’m enjoying the ride. I’m hoping that by indulging these food cravings this week, I can help my stomach and brain accept the fact that they are not totally forbidden, thus reducing the need to binge and feel guilty. I wish I could say I’m going to throw out all the unhealthy food and start fresh with a zen palate, but I’m just trying to be realistic, because if I don’t indulge this unhappy mood now, it will only get worse later on.

A kitchen tantrum, and making some better plans for the future.

Okay, I have been in a food funk and it hasn’t been fun. Two weeks ago I decided to hold a Vegetarian Experiment. I bought tons of dark green veggies to anchor my meals, plus whole grains and vegetarian protein sources. I renewed my commitment to bringing yummy healthy lunches to work, and healthy snacks to avoid afternoon hunger attacks. That first week, I was doing great!

Then for some reason, last week, I arrived home and promptly threw a week-long Kitchen Tantrum. Have you ever done this? For me, it usually takes the form of coming home hungry, looking at all the tasty food in my fridge, and declaring that I refuse to eat any of it! I grump around refusing to cook and getting hungrier by the minute, until I annoy my husband and he promises to get take-out food for us, if only I’ll make an order and stop whining.

Ha! Good plan, Jesse! So how did that work out for you? Oh right, it didn’t. I ate too much, felt too full of delicious yet unhealthy food, and felt guilt gathering like a storm cloud above my head. And then, shockingly, I did not lose weight! (Ha! However, I didn’t gain, either. Though I did go back up to my original bodyfat measurement, negating the bodyfat loss I begrudgingly celebrated in my last entry.)

I’m not really clear on what was the purpose or cause of this little freak out. During my second “vegetarian” week I sure did eat a lot of meat in those take-out meals! But was I craving protein, or Chinese food? Was I too tired to cook, or was I sick of eating healthy foods? Either way, it’s too late. I could go around in circles forever trying to answer these questions.

Fact: It was all delicious but it didn’t feel good: this is a new week and I want to feel good about eating dinners again! I could make falafel again (and bake it this time instead of frying), roast some balsamic broccoli, do veggie skewers on the new grill, melt some mushrooms a la Julia Child, make another quiche.

Here are some eating solutions I am going to try:

1. Ask sweet darling husband to be in charge of making two dinners, thus absolving myself of part of the mental burden;
2. Commit to waking up 15 minutes early to eat breakfast at home instead of at work;;
3. Stock up on pre-made frozen dinners;
4. Buy 100-calorie pudding cups for guilt-free PM chocolate cravings;
5. Buy those damn chocolate Clif Bars if I love them so much, and keep them at work for REAL snacks.

On PEERtrainer, where I still sporadically track my food intake, I sometimes glance down at my Personal Notes section, where I wrote a long time ago, “To reduce weight, aim for 1500 calories per day, and get at least 45 minutes of exercise per day.” That amount of calories is right around where this Recommended Daily Calorie Intake Calculator says I should aim for a 2lb/week loss. Counting extra fuel for exercise and occasional treats, it might be better to aim for 1700-1800 instead.

Blah, blah blah. Listen to me babble on! The point is that I am NOT EXERCISING DAILY, nor am I really hitting anywhere close to that calorie range. I am not dedicating enough energy to my plans, or I am rebelling and deliberately sabotaging myself. So that 1500 cals/45 mins goal is off in some perfect world, and here I am doodling around and getting nowhere fast.

If I do nothing else this week aside from take a forced leave from take-out, I need to focus on exercise. I went to see a new physician last week (a small personal victory I’ll have to write about one day) and when I told her about my changes in diet and exercise, she said that the most important thing I can do is exercise whenever possible. Screw dieting, screw losing weight — just exercise, often, and don’t stop. I think I can live with that. It reminds me of my favorite food advice from Michael Pollan’s In Defense of Food, “Eat Food. Not too much. Mostly plants.”

So to match with my plan above for better eating habits this week, here are a few things I am doing to remedy the lack of daily exercise in my life:

1. Buy new sneakers so I don’t fear plantar fascitis on long walks;
2. Attend yoga at work every Wednesday (new session starts this week!);
3. Join the weekly walking group at work, too;
4. Do one-hour walking route at home twice a week;
5. Bike rides twice a week in the evenings.

If I have two days of exercise at work (yoga and walking group) that will help me fill in the rest of the days without getting overwhelmed by routines. I have other rumblings of ideas (including but not limited to the Gym At Work and Wii Fit) that will have to wait a little while. For this coming week, however, here’s hoping that I can incorporate new ideas and renewed courage and confidence with my plans.