Checking in on fitness class options

So I sat down to Google up some tasty fitness class options, just like I promised myself I would last week when I was in a desperate rut (still am!). And I was pleasantly surprised with what I found. I started out mildly pessimistic and eventually came round to a cautious optimism! Read along on my journey and see for yourself:

Pilates at Studio Imago Dei

Cost: $9/session, Private session $65

Pro: The studio is right on my route home, no excuses!

Con: I had a hard time with Pilates when I tried it last…weird fat deposits on my hips and shoulders can make mat work painful and awkward for me (as I told my friend L the other day, what I really want is Pilates for Lumpy People).  A private session could help me learn some strategies to get around this, though.

Bally Total Fitness

Cost: $19 for a 30-day guest pass

Pro: I could attend a super early class before work, plus access to machines etc.

Con: No kickboxing, only weird trendy aerobics classes (Zumba!). Close-ish to home but not a convenient route. Totally sketchy pricing methods, plus I have heard horror stories about trying to cancel memberships. Mainstream gyms scare me sometimes, too many dudes grunting and staring in the mirrors (this is why I used to belong to a Posh Spa Gym For Dainty Ladies Only in Boston; before that I only used gyms at my girls-only college). Bally might be fine, or it might be just weird and far enough to prevent me from going.

(Soon-to-open near me) 24 Hour Fitness

Cost: Free 7-day pass or who knows $/month

Pro: Fairly close to my commute route (better for evening, not as much for morning), will be beautiful and clean and shiny new!

Con: Still under construction, might not open until winter at this rate. Who knows what classes they will offer? Potentially sketchy upsell methods like Bally. Am I really going to wait around for it to open before I make the choice to feel better about myself? Hmmm.

Real Fitness Women’s Boot Camp

Cost: $300 for a 4-week, five day per week class, 5:30-6:30 a.m.

Pro: Instant jump start to my day! Early enough that I could return with ample time to shower, dress, make my carpool. Also I like that they offer a choice of women-only or coed. No G.I. Jane humiliation, but plenty of challenge.

Con: Boot Camp, whoa. Am I ready for this? See also: pricey. Intriguing, but maybe not quite what I’m looking for, unless I enroll in Boot Camp forever (wouldn’t it be cheaper to get a personal trainer, at that point?).

One With Heart (Indonesian Martial Arts and Wellness)

Cost: $49 for a two-week trial; $90-$190/month membership

Pro: Kickboxing! Lots of it! Community is really key here and their holistic, functional-movement philosophy rings all the right bells for me. The Original Fitness classes sound really neat. Pictures on their website are all of beautifully real women looking badass, flexible and zenlike. Also offers Yoga.

Con: A tiny drive out of my way, but evening classes are in a doable time slot. Pricey membership but I have a feeling the personal attention would be worth it.

…*…

I think it’s pretty obvious from this list that I started out not very enthusiastic about large gyms and then got weirdly excited by Boot Camp and the One With Heart place, two options which I didn’t even know existed!

With Boot Camp, I know I would feel GREAT after that first month, but I worry about whether this approach would be sustainable. Would it inspire me to go on long walks every morning? Do a weights routine in my living room? Cause that hasn’t worked in the past. The whole point of investigating classes is to find a schedule, not to leave my workouts up to my free will (a.k.a. hey let’s see what’s on tv). (But but but, boot camp sounds cool, doesn’t it?)

One With Heart might be a perfect solution, and if I attended two classes per week (on top of Yoga and Hula class, bringing me to four workouts per week) my membership would equal out to ~$11/class. They offer a tour of their facilities, and I think I will try to attend one and make my decision that way.

Meanwhile, this past week I have ever so slowly been reigning in my unhealthy eating, and I’m down two tiny pounds, which feels good. Yoga starts up again next week after a three-week hiatus, and Hula continues to kick my butt (or more precisely, my arms). I am trying to visualize myself gaining momentum and being drawn to healthy thoughts, emotions and actions. I just scheduled a minor surgery in October to remove a piece of my ankle hardware, something which used to scare me out of my wits, but I recently decided that if I wait until it’s not scary, I’ll never get it done. All I have to do is show up, grit my teeth through a few needles, and heal one more minor scar. This autumn is going to be all about proving to myself that I can do things even when I think they’re impossible. Needles? Sure, why not. Act healthy? It’s easier than I think. I’m going to let my momentum carry me forward even when my fears have set up imaginary roadblocks. By the time I get there, they’ll have disappeared and I’ll have accomplished something important for myself. Yes.

Memo to Sisyphus: Your rock is calling

I could start out this post by saying “I’m up three pounds” or I could say that I’ve been a little depressed and anxious and moody. They both amount to the same thing. As I wrote last week, my life felt out of whack in more ways than one, and to compensate for work stress and home stress, I took an emergency week-long vacation.

So what did I do on my break? I slept in until 8am (decadent!) and I worked on some sewing projects. I wrote, I cleaned up the house, I canned some jam, and I went to my weekly Yoga and Hula classes. My husband and I spent some time with friends. But guess what? My mood (or whatever it is) didn’t really go away. I did feel calmer, with a week of distance from certain people and certain projects that can make me crazy, but I didn’t have a magic solution. I couldn’t just dive in and go nuts on my to-do list. It’s like there’s this constant static noise that gets between me and what I want to do. My motivation isn’t very strong.

I’m not really certain what this magic thing is that I’m waiting for. Is it self esteem? That seems too simple. I think it’s some combination of a good mood and lots of energy, and I’m not sure where it comes from — all I know is that when I have it, I have boundless energy for work projects, I’m motivated to go on walks and bike rides, and all I want to eat is beautiful, healthy food. But when my energy is low, work can start to get me down, and then I spend all day at work moping through the hours, getting next to nothing done and then dragging myself home with barely enough energy to watch crappy tv and cook dinner. I try to get excited about ice cream, or some other sugary treat, but it just sits in my stomach like a lead balloon, making me feel fat, reminding me of how far I’ve fallen, and my mood cycles ever lower for the next day. I wouldn’t say I wake up each morning with a food/shame hangover, but I also don’t feel like I can wake up and have a clean start.

Last week, I spoke to my therapist about all this, and I brought up the fact that I seem to spend a lot of energy hating on people or circumstances that I have no control over. What is the purpose of that? For me, when I’m in a low mood, I get a (fleeting, bitter) flash of satisfaction when I can convince myself that my lack of productivity is someone else’s fault. If only we had a better leader, I would be more motivated to work on x project or that new proposal. If only my colleague wasn’t so [insert quality here], I could focus on my work instead!

As you can tell, this is not a helpful line of thinking. This is akin to waiting for McDonalds to stop selling delicious cheeseburgers so I can start to lose weight. In this line of thinking, life would be perfect IF ONLY LIFE WERE MORE PERFECT. Am I right? Grocery stores would only sell clean protein, fruit, vegetables, and whole grains (plus one single-serving square of dark chocolate). Every person I come into contact with would be a combination fitness coach / mentor / spiritual advisor / best friend / kindly relative / nutritionist / cheerleader / comic genius / fearless leader. There would be no traffic on the roads, it would be sunny and 72° all day, I would find $20 in my pocket, and there would be only gentle hills on the bike paths leading from here to the end of time. Excellent! Now I can really get down to the business of losing weight and feeling good about myself! (In this dream I also have perfect hair and summer superhero movies never suck.)

Of course, life is actually pretty messy. Fixating on these kinds of fantasies only reminds me that I don’t have much to fall back on if small bumps in the road can throw me off my game so easily.

This is another one of these dilemmas that I can’t think myself out of. I keep a small journal in my bag that I use to write about stuff like this, and lately my journal pages have been pretty unhealthy, as I notice I’m going in circles, trying to guilt myself into eating better or exercising. I’m falling back on unhelpfully crass insults (get off your fat ass!) and it’s not working. Surprise, surprise, it’s actively making me feel worse. Ugh. Witness the power of negative thinking!

Okay, self! I am so fed up with this rut. Let’s make a list. What’s not working?

• Wallowing in guilt
• Seeking motivation from rotting vegetables in my fridge
• Insulting myself
• Looking at old pictures of myself and moping
• Thinking that walks are dumb or painful (shinsplints, sunburn)
• Being scared of hills (my bike is literally gathering dust)
• Total salad boredom
• Work gym is too far away
• No space to exercise at home

What is working?

• Scheduled Yoga class
• Scheduled Hula dancing

Apparently I don’t really mind feeling like crap, but I do hate missing a scheduled committment. I’m thinking that maybe I should schedule in some more classes for myself. If I can’t do anything else for myself, the least I can do is explore some options for scheduled group exercise. Even if I have to heroically down one milkshake per day to motivate myself (no I will not actually do this), I will research my options this week. No actual, scary actions required! I will make a list, and I will come back and report and see how I am feeling about it next week. Stay tuned, friends. I will pull out of this rut if it kills me.

Getting what you need

Dear Self,

So, I guess you’ve been falling a bit short of your exercise goals? You’ve been tired ever since you stayed out late at the Opera last Tuesday, sabotaging your sleep for Wednesday Yoga. A tiny sleep deficit combined with a little run of hot weather toward the end of the week resulted in Crazy! Schedule! Crankiness! No exercise since Yoga six days ago, now that you think about it!

Isn’t it funny how a tiny change can throw you off so easily?

On the plus side, your plan of delegating some meals to your sweetie worked really well — you had some yummy meals that were fairly nutritionally balanced, and you didn’t have to use a single neuron to think them up, since someone else was in charge. Brilliantly executed plan!

What happened with exercise, though? Wow. First off, props for avoiding the sun and painful sunburns, but also, hey, the sun won’t kill you! Sunblock is effective for short periods of time! Here is your complaint summary for the last six days of no exercise:

1. Too hot!
2. No clothes!

Solutions: buy sunscreen, and invest in some new workout gear. I know you would like to believe you don’t need either one, but waiting for your old sunscreen to magically appear from the messy bathroom is not really productive. Also, pretending you like your old ratty workout clothes is not a good way to love yourself!

Here’s the thing: you need to get what you need to get the job done. If you want to exercise every day, you can’t deprive yourself of 2 necessary ingredients (sunblock, clothes) and then whine endlessly about why you’re not exercising! This is going to require a small amount of shopping. Recognize that this is also going to require not feeling comfortable the first time you step outside to walk or bike in your new clothes. It’s okay not to feel comfortable! (Most people don’t care, and the other people are stupid, so ignore them. )

Also, sometimes you’re not going to be able to breeze home from a perfectly productive day of work with a magical burst of energy and waltz out the door for your hour-long walk like a bird on the wing. Sometimes, you’re going to be a bit cranky, but you’ll learn to do it anyway. You’re in it for the feeling you get when you give yourself what you need. You’ll feel better if you take a walk! The television will not explode with interesting content while it waits for you, and dinner can wait another hour.

Get this — you are not a hostage to your routines if your routines aren’t working for you! I know, crazy. You can make your life better by deliberately deciding what you need, and then going out there to get it for yourself.

Okay — now do it!

Love,

Your self.

A kitchen tantrum, and making some better plans for the future.

Okay, I have been in a food funk and it hasn’t been fun. Two weeks ago I decided to hold a Vegetarian Experiment. I bought tons of dark green veggies to anchor my meals, plus whole grains and vegetarian protein sources. I renewed my commitment to bringing yummy healthy lunches to work, and healthy snacks to avoid afternoon hunger attacks. That first week, I was doing great!

Then for some reason, last week, I arrived home and promptly threw a week-long Kitchen Tantrum. Have you ever done this? For me, it usually takes the form of coming home hungry, looking at all the tasty food in my fridge, and declaring that I refuse to eat any of it! I grump around refusing to cook and getting hungrier by the minute, until I annoy my husband and he promises to get take-out food for us, if only I’ll make an order and stop whining.

Ha! Good plan, Jesse! So how did that work out for you? Oh right, it didn’t. I ate too much, felt too full of delicious yet unhealthy food, and felt guilt gathering like a storm cloud above my head. And then, shockingly, I did not lose weight! (Ha! However, I didn’t gain, either. Though I did go back up to my original bodyfat measurement, negating the bodyfat loss I begrudgingly celebrated in my last entry.)

I’m not really clear on what was the purpose or cause of this little freak out. During my second “vegetarian” week I sure did eat a lot of meat in those take-out meals! But was I craving protein, or Chinese food? Was I too tired to cook, or was I sick of eating healthy foods? Either way, it’s too late. I could go around in circles forever trying to answer these questions.

Fact: It was all delicious but it didn’t feel good: this is a new week and I want to feel good about eating dinners again! I could make falafel again (and bake it this time instead of frying), roast some balsamic broccoli, do veggie skewers on the new grill, melt some mushrooms a la Julia Child, make another quiche.

Here are some eating solutions I am going to try:

1. Ask sweet darling husband to be in charge of making two dinners, thus absolving myself of part of the mental burden;
2. Commit to waking up 15 minutes early to eat breakfast at home instead of at work;;
3. Stock up on pre-made frozen dinners;
4. Buy 100-calorie pudding cups for guilt-free PM chocolate cravings;
5. Buy those damn chocolate Clif Bars if I love them so much, and keep them at work for REAL snacks.

On PEERtrainer, where I still sporadically track my food intake, I sometimes glance down at my Personal Notes section, where I wrote a long time ago, “To reduce weight, aim for 1500 calories per day, and get at least 45 minutes of exercise per day.” That amount of calories is right around where this Recommended Daily Calorie Intake Calculator says I should aim for a 2lb/week loss. Counting extra fuel for exercise and occasional treats, it might be better to aim for 1700-1800 instead.

Blah, blah blah. Listen to me babble on! The point is that I am NOT EXERCISING DAILY, nor am I really hitting anywhere close to that calorie range. I am not dedicating enough energy to my plans, or I am rebelling and deliberately sabotaging myself. So that 1500 cals/45 mins goal is off in some perfect world, and here I am doodling around and getting nowhere fast.

If I do nothing else this week aside from take a forced leave from take-out, I need to focus on exercise. I went to see a new physician last week (a small personal victory I’ll have to write about one day) and when I told her about my changes in diet and exercise, she said that the most important thing I can do is exercise whenever possible. Screw dieting, screw losing weight — just exercise, often, and don’t stop. I think I can live with that. It reminds me of my favorite food advice from Michael Pollan’s In Defense of Food, “Eat Food. Not too much. Mostly plants.”

So to match with my plan above for better eating habits this week, here are a few things I am doing to remedy the lack of daily exercise in my life:

1. Buy new sneakers so I don’t fear plantar fascitis on long walks;
2. Attend yoga at work every Wednesday (new session starts this week!);
3. Join the weekly walking group at work, too;
4. Do one-hour walking route at home twice a week;
5. Bike rides twice a week in the evenings.

If I have two days of exercise at work (yoga and walking group) that will help me fill in the rest of the days without getting overwhelmed by routines. I have other rumblings of ideas (including but not limited to the Gym At Work and Wii Fit) that will have to wait a little while. For this coming week, however, here’s hoping that I can incorporate new ideas and renewed courage and confidence with my plans.