Champion napper and award-winning sloth, at your service

This past week I’ve had some setbacks, and since I haven’t blogged yet this week, that must mean it’s time to write down my setbacks and try to think my way through them…

Remember how I was so chipper in recent posts? Well, pregnancy fatigue has hit me like a brick wall, and I am struggling to stay awake until 9pm most nights. I don’t mind going to sleep early (bring it on!), but it means my after-work workout mojo is M.I.A. Plus, in a blow to convenience and my serious tv addiction, the awesome bicycle trainer I borrowed to help me exercise indoors has been recalled to its original owner. I had one good week where I did 20 minutes every night after work, watching tv shows as I pedaled, with the wireless headphones on so I could hear those American Idol auditions over the bike’s noise, really enjoying myself. Sure, it made our small living room even more crowded, and the vibrations were such that I would get uncomfortably numb in, ahem, certain delicate areas, but it was exercise! With! Television! Fare thee well, idyll!

Even the mild Pacific Northwest climate is conspiring against me, with many mornings of freezing fog and freezing temperatures. I thought with a mild winter we’d be mostly into Spring weather by now. Apparently that was a little too optimistic. With the cold as hell mornings and my recent sleep addiction, it just doesn’t seem feasible to get up before work to walk as I was doing in the fall. That will have to wait until Spring, um, springs.

One option is to invest in my own bicycle trainer, but with even the cheap ones going for $80 on Amazon (and not much cheaper on eBay) they are just expensive enough to make me pause. Is that money better spent on credit card bills? Should I get over my cheap instincts and just make the investment? Ignore the vibrations (or is it the bicycle seat?) that limited me to 20 minutes and count some exercise as better than none?

The problem is that I know the correct answer to these questions, and I’m grumpy because it doesn’t really accommodate my rigorous schedule of couch lounging.

But hey, if I’m unhappy with making the right decision, I’m pretty sure my doctor will have some real tough love for me at my first prenatal appointment. Can you picture her reply when I report that rather than take prevantative steps (literally! ha ha) against gestational diabetes and high blood pressure, I’ve chosen to indulge my need to watch culturally engaging entertainment like Daddy’s Girls and Jon & Kate Plus Eight from the vibration-free sanctuary of my couch.  And that it’s easier to imagine making an extra credit card payment (which, let’s face it, probably wouldn’t happen) rather than spend it on a device that can reduce my risk for scary complications.

Okay, I think this blog post has done its duty. I now feel pretty guilty (but mostly silly) for avoiding an $80 solution to a lifelong problem. A bicycle trainer won’t bring about world peace, but it will make me a fitter, happier, healthier mama, that’s for sure.

I like when I can turn around decisions from being about shame (stop impersonating a human sloth!) to being about practicality and self-care. Now I just have to follow through on this one: I will check in on how it goes.

Memo to Sisyphus: Your rock is calling

I could start out this post by saying “I’m up three pounds” or I could say that I’ve been a little depressed and anxious and moody. They both amount to the same thing. As I wrote last week, my life felt out of whack in more ways than one, and to compensate for work stress and home stress, I took an emergency week-long vacation.

So what did I do on my break? I slept in until 8am (decadent!) and I worked on some sewing projects. I wrote, I cleaned up the house, I canned some jam, and I went to my weekly Yoga and Hula classes. My husband and I spent some time with friends. But guess what? My mood (or whatever it is) didn’t really go away. I did feel calmer, with a week of distance from certain people and certain projects that can make me crazy, but I didn’t have a magic solution. I couldn’t just dive in and go nuts on my to-do list. It’s like there’s this constant static noise that gets between me and what I want to do. My motivation isn’t very strong.

I’m not really certain what this magic thing is that I’m waiting for. Is it self esteem? That seems too simple. I think it’s some combination of a good mood and lots of energy, and I’m not sure where it comes from — all I know is that when I have it, I have boundless energy for work projects, I’m motivated to go on walks and bike rides, and all I want to eat is beautiful, healthy food. But when my energy is low, work can start to get me down, and then I spend all day at work moping through the hours, getting next to nothing done and then dragging myself home with barely enough energy to watch crappy tv and cook dinner. I try to get excited about ice cream, or some other sugary treat, but it just sits in my stomach like a lead balloon, making me feel fat, reminding me of how far I’ve fallen, and my mood cycles ever lower for the next day. I wouldn’t say I wake up each morning with a food/shame hangover, but I also don’t feel like I can wake up and have a clean start.

Last week, I spoke to my therapist about all this, and I brought up the fact that I seem to spend a lot of energy hating on people or circumstances that I have no control over. What is the purpose of that? For me, when I’m in a low mood, I get a (fleeting, bitter) flash of satisfaction when I can convince myself that my lack of productivity is someone else’s fault. If only we had a better leader, I would be more motivated to work on x project or that new proposal. If only my colleague wasn’t so [insert quality here], I could focus on my work instead!

As you can tell, this is not a helpful line of thinking. This is akin to waiting for McDonalds to stop selling delicious cheeseburgers so I can start to lose weight. In this line of thinking, life would be perfect IF ONLY LIFE WERE MORE PERFECT. Am I right? Grocery stores would only sell clean protein, fruit, vegetables, and whole grains (plus one single-serving square of dark chocolate). Every person I come into contact with would be a combination fitness coach / mentor / spiritual advisor / best friend / kindly relative / nutritionist / cheerleader / comic genius / fearless leader. There would be no traffic on the roads, it would be sunny and 72° all day, I would find $20 in my pocket, and there would be only gentle hills on the bike paths leading from here to the end of time. Excellent! Now I can really get down to the business of losing weight and feeling good about myself! (In this dream I also have perfect hair and summer superhero movies never suck.)

Of course, life is actually pretty messy. Fixating on these kinds of fantasies only reminds me that I don’t have much to fall back on if small bumps in the road can throw me off my game so easily.

This is another one of these dilemmas that I can’t think myself out of. I keep a small journal in my bag that I use to write about stuff like this, and lately my journal pages have been pretty unhealthy, as I notice I’m going in circles, trying to guilt myself into eating better or exercising. I’m falling back on unhelpfully crass insults (get off your fat ass!) and it’s not working. Surprise, surprise, it’s actively making me feel worse. Ugh. Witness the power of negative thinking!

Okay, self! I am so fed up with this rut. Let’s make a list. What’s not working?

• Wallowing in guilt
• Seeking motivation from rotting vegetables in my fridge
• Insulting myself
• Looking at old pictures of myself and moping
• Thinking that walks are dumb or painful (shinsplints, sunburn)
• Being scared of hills (my bike is literally gathering dust)
• Total salad boredom
• Work gym is too far away
• No space to exercise at home

What is working?

• Scheduled Yoga class
• Scheduled Hula dancing

Apparently I don’t really mind feeling like crap, but I do hate missing a scheduled committment. I’m thinking that maybe I should schedule in some more classes for myself. If I can’t do anything else for myself, the least I can do is explore some options for scheduled group exercise. Even if I have to heroically down one milkshake per day to motivate myself (no I will not actually do this), I will research my options this week. No actual, scary actions required! I will make a list, and I will come back and report and see how I am feeling about it next week. Stay tuned, friends. I will pull out of this rut if it kills me.

A kitchen tantrum, and making some better plans for the future.

Okay, I have been in a food funk and it hasn’t been fun. Two weeks ago I decided to hold a Vegetarian Experiment. I bought tons of dark green veggies to anchor my meals, plus whole grains and vegetarian protein sources. I renewed my commitment to bringing yummy healthy lunches to work, and healthy snacks to avoid afternoon hunger attacks. That first week, I was doing great!

Then for some reason, last week, I arrived home and promptly threw a week-long Kitchen Tantrum. Have you ever done this? For me, it usually takes the form of coming home hungry, looking at all the tasty food in my fridge, and declaring that I refuse to eat any of it! I grump around refusing to cook and getting hungrier by the minute, until I annoy my husband and he promises to get take-out food for us, if only I’ll make an order and stop whining.

Ha! Good plan, Jesse! So how did that work out for you? Oh right, it didn’t. I ate too much, felt too full of delicious yet unhealthy food, and felt guilt gathering like a storm cloud above my head. And then, shockingly, I did not lose weight! (Ha! However, I didn’t gain, either. Though I did go back up to my original bodyfat measurement, negating the bodyfat loss I begrudgingly celebrated in my last entry.)

I’m not really clear on what was the purpose or cause of this little freak out. During my second “vegetarian” week I sure did eat a lot of meat in those take-out meals! But was I craving protein, or Chinese food? Was I too tired to cook, or was I sick of eating healthy foods? Either way, it’s too late. I could go around in circles forever trying to answer these questions.

Fact: It was all delicious but it didn’t feel good: this is a new week and I want to feel good about eating dinners again! I could make falafel again (and bake it this time instead of frying), roast some balsamic broccoli, do veggie skewers on the new grill, melt some mushrooms a la Julia Child, make another quiche.

Here are some eating solutions I am going to try:

1. Ask sweet darling husband to be in charge of making two dinners, thus absolving myself of part of the mental burden;
2. Commit to waking up 15 minutes early to eat breakfast at home instead of at work;;
3. Stock up on pre-made frozen dinners;
4. Buy 100-calorie pudding cups for guilt-free PM chocolate cravings;
5. Buy those damn chocolate Clif Bars if I love them so much, and keep them at work for REAL snacks.

On PEERtrainer, where I still sporadically track my food intake, I sometimes glance down at my Personal Notes section, where I wrote a long time ago, “To reduce weight, aim for 1500 calories per day, and get at least 45 minutes of exercise per day.” That amount of calories is right around where this Recommended Daily Calorie Intake Calculator says I should aim for a 2lb/week loss. Counting extra fuel for exercise and occasional treats, it might be better to aim for 1700-1800 instead.

Blah, blah blah. Listen to me babble on! The point is that I am NOT EXERCISING DAILY, nor am I really hitting anywhere close to that calorie range. I am not dedicating enough energy to my plans, or I am rebelling and deliberately sabotaging myself. So that 1500 cals/45 mins goal is off in some perfect world, and here I am doodling around and getting nowhere fast.

If I do nothing else this week aside from take a forced leave from take-out, I need to focus on exercise. I went to see a new physician last week (a small personal victory I’ll have to write about one day) and when I told her about my changes in diet and exercise, she said that the most important thing I can do is exercise whenever possible. Screw dieting, screw losing weight — just exercise, often, and don’t stop. I think I can live with that. It reminds me of my favorite food advice from Michael Pollan’s In Defense of Food, “Eat Food. Not too much. Mostly plants.”

So to match with my plan above for better eating habits this week, here are a few things I am doing to remedy the lack of daily exercise in my life:

1. Buy new sneakers so I don’t fear plantar fascitis on long walks;
2. Attend yoga at work every Wednesday (new session starts this week!);
3. Join the weekly walking group at work, too;
4. Do one-hour walking route at home twice a week;
5. Bike rides twice a week in the evenings.

If I have two days of exercise at work (yoga and walking group) that will help me fill in the rest of the days without getting overwhelmed by routines. I have other rumblings of ideas (including but not limited to the Gym At Work and Wii Fit) that will have to wait a little while. For this coming week, however, here’s hoping that I can incorporate new ideas and renewed courage and confidence with my plans.